Feasting Folk

Let’s all wet the baby’s head
Uncle Wilf’ and Auntie Sue’
Will be the godparents they said
And Sue’ will make a trifle too.
We’ll get some wine, Australian,
And Cola for the kids.
OJ for Alan and Damien!
Cola blows their lids.

Janine is throwing a tantrum
Because she didn’t get a bike.
And who bought Jim that bloody drum?
Someone that we don’t like!
At least the Turkeys nicely done
You ballsed that up last year.
This Christmas must be a merry one,
I’ve got in gallons of beer.

See Ingrid there, with the curly hair?
Looks like nothing would interest her.
Well that Prof’ who held the Lit’ chair
Fucked her in the first semester.
Some graduation; this is a joke,
Champagne and sausages on sticks!
Let’s piss off and score some coke,
Forget about these gowned clown hicks.

Well many thanks to my old mate Stan’.
In an act of desperation,
He went and picked me to be best man
And give you this oration.
A proper sit down do, as well
Much classier than a buffet’.
The prawn cocktails have a familiar smell
But I suppose we can’t be fussy.

Oh stop it Jean. You’re rid of the louse
You’re free to look around.
You get to keep the kids and house
It couldn’t be more sound.
Stop snivelling for pity’s sake
You’ll soon have a man with tits like those
Here have a piece of chocolate cake
And for God’s sake blow your nose.

Yes give me sunshine any day
Though we have been skiing twice.
Not my idea of a holiday,
Cold and snow and bastard ice.
What’s in this drink the waiter brought
Apart from all the fruit?
Let’s nip down to that nudist beach,
Swap the thong for your birthday suit.

Here have another vol au vent
The dog puke in em’ makes me squirm.
I wouldn’t say they’ve overspent,
How long was Perkins with the firm?
The MD wasn’t too verbose.
Taciturn and to the point.
When I retire I’ll just piss off
And tell them where to stuff this joint.

Go on I’ll have a double gin
Helen’s staying sober so she can drive.
The ham on these sandwiches is a bit thin.
Tim would tell them if he were alive.
I’m glad cremation was their choice
Those graveside jobs can be a pain,
Got a sore throat once and lost my voice,
Standing on mud in the fucking rain.